Toxic Relationships (Love Series)
Of all the most enduring human experiences, it is with others that we are most bonded and invested. Our lives will inevitably be connected to others. It may be within our families, in our love relationships, our friendships, co-workers, neighbors and acquaintances. Somehow life seems sweeter when we can share it with others. Yet, it is our human connections that can overflow with challenges, heartache, and disappointment.
Our relationships, like most things worth having, take work, take dedication, and take time to grow into fulfilling and supportive connections. Even the best of relationships take effort. We are not perfect. Far from it. However, the most satisfying, loving relationships, are those that incorporate mutual support, appreciation, understanding, trust and honesty. I invite you to keep reading for a wealth of information that will help you define where you are, and what steps you could take to know how to move forward.
There are some types of relationships that are more difficult and require much more sustained effort. They are called toxic relationships. These relationships are not necessarily doomed to failure, but they will take more work to transform into a healthy story. If both individuals are doing their own work, to change for the better, the relationship may survive. If not, then one must be prepared to step away from the relationship. To let go and move forward. Toxic relationships exist in romantic relationships, marriages, families, and in friendships. Even certain work relationships can be toxic.
What Defines a Toxic Relationship?
A toxic relationship is where one, or both individuals, exhibit behaviors that are emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually damaging to the other person. Dysfunction is the pattern. Dysfunction is the definition of the relationship. A toxic relationship can tear down self-esteem, create self-doubt, and establish a sense of loneliness and emotional isolation.
It is important to note, that any relationship where there is physical violence, domestic abuse, drug or alcohol abuse, homicidal threats, and sexual abuse is indeed toxic. Not only toxic, but dangerous, and at times life-threatening. Damaging to the degree of the individual’s very core of human existence. These types of toxic relationships are destructive and require substantial professional intervention. They may also require getting out and moving on.
The 5 Most Common Types of Toxic Behavior
A toxic individual exhibits classic behavior that showcases one factor more than any other. Control. The individual must be in control of the relationship, having power over the outcomes, and power over the other person. Many times, individuals are controlling or passive without even realizing they are doing the things they are doing. A toxic individual will use various forms of control to achieve the power they need, or desire. The types of behaviors listed can be displayed in a man, a woman or a family member.
The Humiliator:
This type of toxic individual will belittle you, make fun of you in the name of “just joking” and “can’t you take a joke.” They are not joking. There is nothing fun about this type of individual’s behavior. They will devalue anything you may say, feel, think, or do. They may humiliate or belittle you in public or around family, friends or in front of your children. They may constantly question what you do or correct when you are “wrong” and disregard what you say.
The goal of this type of toxic behavior is to wear down any self-esteem you may have while creating an atmosphere where you second guess your own worthiness. You will grow to feel small, unimportant, and inferior. All parts of who you are will be minimized.
The User:
These types of individuals will drain your energy on all levels. You may feel obligated to the user for “all they do for you” and wonder if you have done, or given, enough of yourself. There will be a continual unbalance in the relationship. This individual may not care much about your feelings, your desires, your goals or your concerns. This type of toxic behavior seeks to make you feel incomplete. They are only in it to get what they want. It might be money, a place to stay, favors, wishes they need granted, and what you can do for them.
They will rarely ask how you are or care much about your wellbeing. There is very little compromise in a toxic user relationship. It is a one-way street. As long as the user gets what she/he wants and needs, the relationship will endure.
The Angry One:
Control by intimidation. This is the main goal with an individual who is continually angry, loses their temper, yells, and makes demands. Their anger will go from zero to a hundred in minutes, if not seconds. They will blame you or others for their angry outbursts, and rarely take accountability for their own actions. Their anger left unchecked or controlled, will cause you to “walk on eggshells” and remain vigilant as to what might “set them off.” You may find yourself giving in to their demands or avoiding conflict for fear of how they may react.
There are times when anger can turn into aggression, rage, violence, and abuse. This violence will impact everyone in the family or in the relationship. Anger is not a negative emotion. It is what we do with our anger that matters. Underneath anger is many other emotions such as; frustration, shame, guilt, regret, fear, sadness, jealousy, and more.
The Stonewaller/Gaslighter:
The stonewaller will intentionally refuse to communicate. They will shut down, retreat, and give others “the silent treatment.” This type of behavior can be seen in individuals who have narcissistic traits and characteristics. There is a need to be in control of the situation or the conversation. There is a need to make the other person feel as if they are “making a big deal out of nothing” or to feel ignored or unimportant.
The gaslighter will work to make sure you second guess yourself, or even your own reality. Your thoughts, your feelings, your ideas are dismissed. Again, the main goal for stonewallers and gaslights is to gain or maintain control.
The Passive-Aggressive One:
This type of behavior is subtle and may be overlooked in the realm of toxic relationships. The passive-aggressive individual may have a hard time talking about difficult feelings or showing signs of disagreement. They may passively go along with the status quo. They may avoid direct action but may operate in passive ways to get what they want. They may radiate a sullen or gloomy attitude, or a “woe is me” behavior. They make excuses, avoid commitment, procrastinate, and will play the victim if needed. The world is against them and it is hard to please the passive-aggressive person. The beloved character of Eeyore resonates with the passive-aggressive model of behavior.
It is difficult to deal with a passive-aggressive individual. You may feel you are constantly guessing and pursuing the passive-aggressive individual. You may work overtime to get them to take responsibility, to others open up, and to deal with situations. It is emotionally exhausting.
There can be other toxic behaviors that may destroy trust, honesty, appreciation, and respect in a relationship of any kind. These things might include infidelity, alcohol/drug abuse, lying, financial distrust, sexual issues, and more.
Knowing What To Do
At any given time we all can be angry, somewhat passive-aggressive or even resist opening up in our relationships. We are human after all. The striking difference is that these, and other, toxic behaviors, lasting over a long period of time, can destroy a relationship. Over time, we cannot “square peg round hole” ourselves into these toxic, and destructive relationships.
Healthy Boundaries
A healthy boundary is like a no trespassing sign; no trespassing on our self-respect, on our values, our ideas, and our integrity. Healthy boundaries can be defined by the following: Time, physical, intellectual, sexual, and financial. We teach people how to treat us in everything we do. One important way to set a healthy boundary is to step back. Try to stop responding in toxic situations the way you have always responded.
For example: In a toxic relationship with a user, you may decide not to loan them the money this time. Or with the angry one, you may decide to seek outside counseling to help determine which direction to go. Both of these examples illuminate a healthy boundary setting.
Strong Sense of Ourselves
How we think and feel about ourselves is very important. It is like a mirror in helping us define the type of relationships we want to bring to ourselves. If we cannot genuinely love who we are, it will be difficult for others to do the same. We must support and love ourselves emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
For example: If we value who we are, what we believe, and what is most important to us, it may be more difficult for toxic relationships to enter our lives. If they do enter our lives, we can quickly recognize them to protect our own integrity, and our own sense of self. We would be able to set those healthy boundaries easier.
Define our Deal Breakers
Knowing our dealbreakers in relationships is one of the most important things we can understand. Deal breakers may include: Disrespect, rudeness, anger, humiliation, lying, cheating, stealing, and abuse of any kind. We may put up with these deal breakers momentarily, but will quickly recognize how damaging they will be in the long run. This will be the time to set those healthy boundaries and continue to develop your strong sense of self.
For example: You meet someone on a first date. It goes fairly well and you go out on a second date. On the second date, you notice he/she is rude to the wait staff or shows anger towards a certain topic of discussion. This is a very important time to reflect on your values and if you would want to continue on a third date. We can give someone the benefit of the doubt, but it is important to know your red flags. Be reflective of them. Follow your gut.
It can be difficult to walk away from toxic behavior. We love our family members. We love our partners and our friends. We can allow people in our lives, but we may need to set distance, emotional or even physical distance. We cannot change someone else. We can only change ourselves. We can love someone, and still let go.
If you, or someone you know, is in a toxic, violent, abusive relationship please reach out for help. Find a trusted family member or friend to talk with and enlist support. In the case of an emergency dial 911. You are not alone!
