Romantic Relationships (Love Series)
The world is filled with romantic stories, heartfelt poetry, and major motion pictures that take us to romantic places. When we think of love, we instantly think about romantic relationships. Does he love me? Can she love him? When will I find love? According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, the term romantic is defined as “relating to, or involving love between two people." Further noted, they are romantically involved.
The desire for romantic relationships can be influenced by what our friends have accomplished. We may believe we have to get engaged, get married and have 2.5 children before we are in our late 20’s. We may believe we have to chase that special person to the ends of the earth. Ah, sweet love, at last. Society has helped paint a picture of what true romance should look like.
We, however, need to think about our own definitions of a romantic relationship and how it intertwines our lives. Other terms for “romantic” relationships may include; affair of the heart, fling, and courtship. Most relationships based on hooking up or sexual favors may not necessarily constitute a romantic relationship. That may change if one, or both, partners discover they want more than just a quick fix.
Romantic relationships may lead to marriage and memories made for a lifetime. They may also lead to a few months of romance and then onward we move. Romantic relationships are embedded in the intentions between two people and how that romance plays out.
One of the most famous researchers on sex and relationships, The Kinsey Institute, has fostered a greater understanding of sexuality and relationships. They have promoted education and research since 1947. The Kinsey Institute and researchers highlight 4 different stages of romantic relationships. There are many other stages within romantic relationships, but these 4 help to define the trajectory of the romantic love connection.
Euphoric Stage/Honeymoon Stage:
Neuroscientists at the Kinsey Institute have been studying the brain in love for decades. In the early parts of a romantic relationship, we are in euphoria. We make every effort to put our best foot forward. We forgive little mistakes. We have big eyes for the romantic love we are engaging and all that it means for our future. The other person may have faults, but we forgive and forget. You know, those little negative things where we look the other way. Like the way he chews his food or the way she takes forever to get ready. Or more intense negative behaviors like cheating, poor communication or lack of trust. Research shows that in early stages of romance the prefrontal cortex gets clouded. This is the area of the brain where we judge and can logically reason. In the stages of euphoria, the romance drug is intense, and we are caught up in the passion and the attraction. The euphoric feelings are addictive. All the good stuff outweighs anything negative at this point. This stage can last a few weeks, six months or even a year or so.
Early Attachment Stage:
It is during this stage that deeper attachment takes place. Of course, that is, if the romance has made it past the honeymoon stage. After all, many people enjoy brief romances of love and never make it past the honeymoon stage. Many couples describe this stage as deeper and more committed to each other. Perhaps there is a deeper emotional involvement as well. Couples have gone through some tough times, made great memories and the commitment to maintain what has grown is more secure.
The Crisis Stage:
During this time, couples may start to drift apart. Couples may stop communicating the way they did in the early days. Couples may face some challenges during this time. Children, mortgages, jobs and other impacts are involved for many couples. Each partner has grown and changed and there is a greater need to stay connected. Expectations are either lost or heightened to levels of intensity. There may be a loss of physical connection, intimacy and having sex diminishes. There may be more arguing, shutting down feelings, and not much time spent together. Working through these crisis times, could be an opportunity for couples to rekindle the romance that was there in the early stages of the relationship. Many times, these issues can contribute to the demise of a romantic relationship or a marriage.
The Deep Attachment Stage
This is a time when couples can create a deeper sense of the love they have for each other. The love and romance has weathered some storms and there can be a deeper connection. This stage can last a very long time, and in truth, can last the life of the relationship.
Examining these stages, shine a light on how relationships move through various months and even years. You may see similarities in your romantic relationships when you read the various stages highlighted above.
When the Hard Times Come Calling
If romance turns into love and longevity, there will inevitably be difficulty roads ahead. Some of the most common concerns that arise revolve around the following: poor communication, issues over child rearing, household chores, and a lack of respect. Relationships may also encounter addiction problems, infidelity, and financial concerns.
There may be many others, but these are some of the most common issues that lead couples into marital/relationship counseling. Individuals bring their own issues into romantic relationships as well. For example, if someone lived an abusive childhood and learned to hide their emotions, rarely communicate, or run from conflict, this may negatively impact a romantic relationship. Our feelings of abandonment, fearing vulnerability, childhood/adult trauma, and not wanting to get close to others will also hinder healthy, romantic relationships.
It is imperative that we do our own work in a romantic relationship. Not perfection. Just a self-awareness of our own shortcomings, our own issues and our own rabbit holes. When we work to be the best version of ourselves, we tend to attract that in others, especially in romantic relationships. When we are in a romance, a marriage or a partnership, we can focus on ways to enhance that union too. Many times a very loving and supportive partner, can help us weather our own personal storms.
Here are 4 steps a couple can take to enhance their romantic relationship
Improve communication:
Talking with your partner openly and honestly is important in a romantic relationship. Improving your communication so partners feel understood, appreciated, and respected is essential.
Fair conflict:
It is difficult to avoid conflict in any relationship, especially in a romantic, intimate relationship. Fair conflict rules include no name calling, no yelling, no disrespect, and taking a time out when needed. Fair conflict is not about shutting down and stonewalling the other person. It is about creating an opportunity to talk and to listen.
Using your words:
Using “I” statements can be helpful in improving communication. Using “I” statements allows you to take responsibility for your actions and feelings. It also allows you to express what you are thinking and how you are feeling. For example, “I feel really hurt when you yell at me” or “I was not thinking when I said those things to you.”
Compromise:
A little give and take on both sides can be beneficial to a romantic relationship. It allows us to take our partner's feelings into account. They feel supported and understood. It is not healthy to always be a giver or a taker. Always giving in and not rocking the boat is unhealthy for the romantic relationship. Always taking without consideration is equally unhealthy. Find compromise with a sense of support, care, and balance.
Work to make your romantic relationship one of respect, trust, and healthy communication. Don’t forget to have a little fun along the way too. Laugh and love!
