Self Love (Love Series)
Self-love is the art of appreciating oneself. It involves thoughts, feelings, and actions that lead to physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual growth. Self-love creates the ability to have high regard for one’s own well-being. This high regard is not the same as being egotistical. Egotistical behavior is one of self-centeredness and being highly conceited. Self-love is genuine and caring towards oneself. The way in which we love ourselves sets the standard for how others will regard us.
Many people believe that self-love and self-esteem are the same things. While they are close in meaning, they are also vastly different. Self-esteem is our belief about our own worth and value. Someone with high self-esteem may feel comfortable talking in meetings or getting involved in projects at work. They may be comfortable in a room full of people, and they may be effective communicators. High self-esteem individuals will have the ability to laugh at themselves, and they can be very goal-oriented.
Some people with high self-esteem, lack true self-love. Just because someone has good self-esteem does not mean they accept themselves, love themselves, and treat themselves kindly in regards to their overall well-being. For example: Someone with high self-esteem may make mistakes and not achieve what they desire in a given time frame. They may beat themselves up in negative self-talk and may even harbor anger towards themselves about not being able to do that task at hand. A person with self-love will regard their mistakes as something they can move past, learn from, and treat themselves kindly while processing what has happened. They will continue to appreciate themselves in loving ways.
However, a person with self-love also holds themselves to standards and sets healthy boundaries with themselves and others. They will give respect to others, yet also require respect from those around them. Self-loving individuals operate from a place of balance, appreciation, understanding, and acceptance.
In essence, it is possible to have positive self-esteem and self-love together. For example, this type of individual may be able to achieve their goals, effectively communicate, set healthy boundaries, follow their passions, and not settle for less than what they know they are capable of doing. Self-love and self-esteem can support each other in this way. Overall, true well-being on all levels of the individual’s life will exist with the combination of self-love and good self-esteem.
Why We Have Poor Self-Love
There are a variety of causes that lead a person to develop lack of self-love and self-appreciation.
An unhappy childhood can contribute to a lack of self-love. It can also impact self-esteem as well. A child that feels unloved may struggle with developing self-love. A child’s caregivers may be uninvolved, lack sympathy, or use physical abuse/punishment for mistakes a child makes. Uncaring authority figures in a child’s life will most certainly impact self-esteem and self-love. These factors can negatively influence the ability to develop, not only trust in others but trust in ourselves as well.
Past trauma of any kind; sexual, emotional, physical, and mental will also impact the ability to develop self-love.
Bullying in school or at work can contribute to feelings of despair and self-doubt. Harassment in the workplace can also lead a person to feel negative about themselves or their work performance. Hurtful comments or rude gossip about a person’s appearance, culture, gender, and more can have very harmful effects on that individual. Harassment of any kind at work is equivalent to the playground bully many of us can remember from elementary school. It’s just not a good thing.
Stressful life events can negatively impact the way we love and care for ourselves. For example: Divorce or the breakup of love relationships can negatively impact the way a person cares and loves themselves. We can harbor feelings of regret, shame, or even despair that will come back to hurt us emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Academic stress and struggles can also be stressful for a child, teen, or adult. Performance and achieving goals around certain academic or testing capabilities, can lead a person to negative self-talk and disrespect themselves.
Set Good Boundaries
It is ok to set healthy boundaries with others in your life. Know where you end and they begin. Set that no trespassing sign up and work hard to follow through! Learn to say no when you mean no, and yes when you mean yes. If you are always the one giving, then you are exerting more effort than the other person, things are one-sided. There are many boundaries that others will cross if we allow them that freedom.
Physical boundaries: Physical boundaries indicate your personal space and touch. For example: the appropriateness of a hug or handshake. Another example might be if someone invades your personal space or your personal things.
Intellectual boundaries: This is when someone ridicules or violates your ideas, beliefs, political stance, religion, and thoughts.
Emotional boundaries: This refers to our feelings. Others violate this when they invade our emotional thoughts or feelings by asking too many personal questions, judging or criticizing how we feel. We can also cross this boundary by oversharing personal things with others when it is not needed or when it is not appropriate.
Sexual boundaries: This refers to all of the emotional, mental and physical parts of sexuality. Unwanted touch or sexual advancements is an indicator of a sexual boundary being crossed. Feeling forced into sexual encounters is also part of this crossing. Sexual boundaries are healthy when two consenting adults engage in mutual understanding, respect, limitations, and desires.
Material boundaries: This is when someone violates money or possessions. They either take or ask to take and we give in. Stealing or damaging our personal property is another example of how this boundary can be crossed.
Time boundaries: When others invade, demand, and take up too much of our time. This is a prime example of time boundary violations.
6 Steps to Achieving Self-Love
Forgive Yourself: Learn to forgive yourself for past mistakes. We are all human. We are far from perfect. Carrying around regrets, guilt, shame, and disappointment in ourselves will damage our self-esteem and our ability to truly love ourselves.
Show up for yourself: Be your own best friend. That does not mean you have to push other people aside, you just need to be your own best friend first of all. Find ways to support your goals and aspirations. Others may lend support or encouragement, but in the end, you are the navigator of your own life.
Trust Yourself: Trust your decisions Trust your ideas. Trust who you are. Finding ways to develop trust in ourselves can be found by setting aside time to reflect on your own thoughts. Setting aside time to process big decisions. Don’t jump into decisions. Refrain from jumping into intimate relationships or friendships. Take the time you need to trust yourself.
Let go of toxic people: Be willing to let go of toxic people. Read my last blog for more information on that topic.
Do Great Self Care: Great self-care starts with you and only you! Self-care is defined as taking care of oneself so that a person reaches the best physical and mental health possible. The goal is also to reduce stress, take care of physical and emotional needs and find balance between personal and work/academic life. Examples of good self-care might include; getting enough sleep, exercise, eating well, making time for hobbies or social interactions, reducing alcohol or drug consumption, and setting goals. Taking time for yourself is not selfish.
Seek Treatment if Needed: When life gets complicated or out of control, it might be time to seek professional intervention. Sometimes there are mood disorders, like depression, that will highly influence the way a person feels about themselves. Other contributing factors may be anxiety that leads to poor self-confidence and low self-love. Other mental health concerns, family issues or work-related concerns might benefit from professional intervention.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” -Mahatma Gandhi
Do you lack self-love?
In your head, answer these questions below!
Do you feel unlovable?
Yes - No
Do you allow others to disrespect you?
Yes - No
Do you have poor boundaries?
Yes - No
Do you place your happiness in the hands of others?
Yes - No
Do you feel guilty saying no?
Yes - No
Do you set your needs aside for the needs of others?
Yes - No
Do you beat yourself up for making mistakes and can’t let it go
Yes - No
Do you notice all your flaws when you look in the mirror?
Yes - No
Do you have a hard time accepting compliments?
Yes - No
Do you feel guilty when you speak up for yourself?
Yes - No
If you answer Yes to ANY of these questions, you may be in need of some self-love work. If you did answer yes to any of these questions email me. I will give you a FREE consultation session so we can talk about improving your self-love! ❤️ No obligation to you other than some good coaching and new ideas!